ThirtyOne Weeks

My darling,

All I have ever wanted was to be a mother. As a tiny girl I would nurse my dolls and take care of my baby sister as if she were mine, and mine alone. As I reached young adulthood I would fantasize about one day being pregnant and even stitched together my own pregnancy pad for a few costume parties. Motherhood is something I have felt called to my entire life. A blessing that I have anxiously awaited.

Now that it's happening, I sadly must admit that it's not the spiritual experience I had dreamt of for so long. Much of this has been due to life circumstances and my apparent inability to adjust to changes and take on challenges with strength and confidence when things get difficult.

For this, I must forgive myself, instead of being disappointed in my actions during the storm.

As the final two months close in, I know that I need to conjure up all the love in the universe to pour onto our family. As I prepare for your birth I have started to feel fears creep in. I've looked forward to eventually giving birth for years. Seeing it as some kind of initiation into womanhood and a way to show myself how strong I really could be. To feel my body pushed to it's limits, to let go completely, to witness a miracle. Now that this moment is actually on the horizon I wonder, how will I react? I've struggled for some sense of control for months now, only to cause myself pain and disappointment. Thankfully I recognize this now instead of the moment we both embark on the greatest journey of our lives. Trying to control your birth would likely cause my demise. There is no control in birth and the only way to truly experience it is to let go, trust, and love.

But I am still scared. It's not fear that I can't do it or that something won't go right. It's a fear of the unknown and the life I am forever responsible for. It's fear of the unknown, but it's mixed with the excitement to experience something completely life changing.

xoxo